It's another night before the day and in this case, another late nighter for me to go through before facing the day if I even decide to face it at all. Anyways, I can't sleep because my brain is operating at 110 mph so doing a journal, eyy that might calm it down.
So yes, today was a really nice day, it was real warm, the afternoon was filled with sunshine, and it felt like how a day in May should feel. But one thing stood out to me in particular when I walked outside and it was just the smell
But I don't know, from that moment, I realized how much I missed my childhood. And not only that, but the smell also reminded me of all of the past few summers and then that just brought along a chain of memories.
It was nice, remembering how it was to wake up early in the morning with the sun shining hella bright, walking outside onto my deck to watch my mom water the garden and then taking a morning run before the sun got too hot. Then after that, I would help out in picking some veggies from our garden and preparing them for lunch later that day. And then I think I would actually go online for an hour and then come back out by lunch time to eat some fresh salad, laap (Lao meat salad with veggies XD ), and etc.
After that I would usually call up Amy to see what she was up to that day and yay she was usually free and we'd hang out. Usually we'd go to the beach to like tan and swim and stuff and to the same places, Moore Lake or sometimes this beach by her dad's place. If we went to her dad's, well after the beach we'd hit the mall by there (it's super nice I think!) or chill at the house which I might add is freaking nice too. Then we'd come back home and end the day with a sleepover, and then like I think we'd call Tori up to see if she would want to sleepover (and it sucked that she couldn't as often as we liked, since well her parents want her home often and yeah har har, I can imagine the comments now XD )
Okay well that was mostly last summer, but even then, that felt like a long time ago (I was a different person then)
Otherwise, the summers before that, I remember going fishing, like ALL the time. But it was awesome because we'd go on our runabout boat and really while my parents fished most of the time, I would pretty just swim around, tan, or fish a little too. And the best part was that it was super roomy and the seats can convert into beds and stuff. Oh my god I can't wait until we pull the boat out again this summer :)
So after swimming and soaking up the sun, I would just dry off and sit there and take in everything I saw. The air would smell like seaweed or algae. And fish but that didn't bother me at all. There would be ripples along the water, bigger ones there, smaller ones here, or else it would be as smooth as glass. A bass would occasionally jump out of the water somewhere (if my dad saw it, he'd get excited and want to move the boat to wherever it was, hoping to catch it), and the sky would slowly turn orange then eventually reddish orange and if there were some clouds, it would add some purple. It was definitely beautiful to see, the eastern skies would be darkish gray and then blends into black and on the west, it would be mixes of orange, red, purple, and fluffy sky blue. And then if it was clear, you could start to see the stars even while the sun was still out a little. The combination of the smell of the lake, the sound of birds and crickets, and the sight of the sky and rippling water; it definitely made time stand still and it was just beyond peaceful. Even then I thought about my childhood but what was different was that it connected well. I was more happy peaceful.
Now when I think about it, I just miss it, so much. Then that leads to another thing. Just missing life then in general. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm dissatisfied with how life is now, really I am beyond happy with how life is going presently. It's just, if I could, I would step back in time to experience everything again, only this time, I would savor them even more.
And how my mind worked then. Well for sure I do miss the self discipline I used to have, that saved me a lot of stress :)
But also the kind-of romantic, daydream-like, innocent, yet strong sense of right and wrong mindset, I know I miss. Even though sometimes it would take me out of reality more than it should, it still was calming. But I know, as we get older, we change how we think, how we act, what we believe in, no matter how much we try not to sometimes.
So really, for me, after hitting seventeen, things just seemed to go on fast forward. And I didn't really realize it until someone pushed the pause button for a minute and then I would sit there and have my jaw drop when I realize what happened. Then it would go again and I'm still awed by it all. So really, to those I might have confused or hurt or something I don't know, I have to apologize, because I know within my confusion and frustration I did lash out because, well to put it simply, mixed emotions are hard to sort out, heh.
And yes, wow, this past winter (hehe changing subjects, sorta) was crazy! And spring too. It's just amazing, how you're not the only one who has intense and crazy emotions. It's just wow, when you think you're really doing nothing, it brings someone in closer because they think your plain ordinary-ness is just plain amazing. Woo. Hoo. No, it's kind of scary! Maybe sometimes, you can keep your feelings under control but it's a shocker when you're confronted with honest, raw emotions from another and they sure aren't keep that under control. And you can just tell that they're not planning to either.
Now it could go both ways: it can be nice and flattering or it can be downright intimidating. Har har, it was definitely an intimidating feeling for me. After a while, just when I thought it was over, it happens again, although whew, I was more prepared :P
Still, even to this day, I'm still kind of intimidated by the intensity. But it's rubbing off (and I don't like it, heehee)
So yes, this will conclude this very confusing late night journal since it does kind of run all over the place and probably doesn't make sense in general. Personally I hope the length intimidated you to not read the whole thing but if so, whoopee for you (stalker! jk) I would write more but, well its 4am and oh yes, I am sleeeeeeeepy :)
Ending on a happy note. And now, good night/morning?
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